Death

Hii Life,
Today I understand death....in its entirety...
" Silence of lambs is the sanction to its slaughter"!!!
.....& in my death lies the lives of people.....

SO BE IT..."THY SHALL DIE A THOUSAND DEATH FOR THOU TO LIVE A SINGLE LIFE"!!!!

Mistakes III

Its 7:00 P.M. and still I am neither in peace nor in normalcy.... Not that I wish to blame anyone for the same....This is my Life and I chose it this way....
Hii Life,
I have never regretted anything more in my life - than yesterday by supporting the truth. Truth for things I have no control on, for things which were not in my hands; but today I regret that I told her.....told her to build up her faith but in the end only to fall, only to tear apart.
Today I have my own promise to burn me up ....? what should I do....??? I never knew my own commitment would punish me severly...Just wanted to tell her that unlike the world I am one and only for one...forever been for only one...but I never got the One....Just wanted to tell her how much I wish I could make her believe that I would love her forever,with the same commitment, attachment and unconditional fervour. Sadly, maybe there is none......

Life...why do u test me so ruthlessly?I don't know how much I can endure....how much I can take up..how much I can make up....

Love has set me on a test and I am writing it with Tears, Sweat, Blood and Life-force! what else can I do????

In Pursuit of Silence!!!

Apni Apni Sab Ne Kahe Li,
Lekin Hum Chup-Chaap Rahe
Dard Paraaya Jisko Bhaaya,
Woh Kya Apni Baat Kahe?
Khamoshi Ka Ye Afsaana Rahe Jaayega Baad Mere...

Still and Quiteness have become a part of me & myself . I have tried to be vocal but evrytime I say something, it just echos and reverts back to haunt me. So I have decided to be quite. I have decided to wait, wait for the judgement day!!!

Hi Life!!!

How Paradoxical, on one hand it is said that the one thing which differencitaes human beings with its closest genetical species is the ability to speak, and on the other it is we human beings who have invented the saying," Speech is Silver and Silence is Gold". So Life, henceforth I have decided to stay silent. Stay silent and be a spectator to the play, the play of own life whose newest episodes unfurl daily in front of me. But, however new the episodes may be the theme seems to be the same, the sole pursuit to the eternal question, "what is Love?" and why its me facing the wrath.

I am tired of fighting the battle- tired of being awake the whole nights getting hit and trying to figure it out. And, its not just one thing, its a chain reaction which follows one another. One questions leads to another with the ultimate answer remaining ever elusive of me.

Meri Be-Basi hai Zahir, Meri Aah-E-Be-Asar se ,
kabhi Maut bhi Maagoon, Naa mile uske dar se!!!

Mistakes II--The Inevitable result

Hi Life!!!

   I sometimes wonder, whts the difference between a Mistake and crime!! Both are interelated with the major and perhaps the only difference being in their intensity. 

And, having said that,I sit and wonder whether my follies are to be termed as a mistake or a crime or maybe something more worse. I think its the third category, something far above the minor mistakes and mere crimes.

Today, slowly a realization is dawning upon me....... That maybe the "crossroads" of my life are not actually roads but 'Dead Ends'. A road is supposed to take you somewhere, lead you to someplace but a Dead End is a dead end. 

I am at total loss, for the first time, not of words but of feelings.....I can't feel anything, evrything seems to have stopped and I am like a person standing on the brink of a deep abyss and staring below. This abyss is not just anything else but a reflection of my own self, making me look like a complete stranger to myself...

It is the abyss of 'inevitability'....the inevitable fact that I have lost everything, first my Love and now my job. I stand to look into the mirror of life and find myself completely naked...naked of achievements, naked of meaning...now all that remains is that deep abyss into whose depths one day I shall be lost........

Decoding Love II

HI Life,,

Its often that I ask myself, What is Love!!, and then getting no answer I now ask you-- What is Love??....

I am tired of a battle that is being waged around me on a daily basis - tired of being awake whole nights getting hit and fighting it out - trying to Understand Her, trying to Understand Love.. And all I get to understand is the various facets of myself.. --And I am tired of wanting for someone who atleast tries to understand my love, my affection, my commitment and not just see the frustration that emanates out of those same emotions in the form of angry outbursts.

"Is dil mein aarman hote to hai.....
bas Koi samjhe Zaarah!!!"

Love is not an easy emotion - there are people in this world who can love without attachment, without commitment and still they are happy and together and everything is fine in the world - there is no problem!But still there are others, for whom Love means a lot. They feel it, they Live it but unfortunately are not able to experience it...for all that they get in Love is Pain!!.

Its often said that Life's best gift is the gift of Love,,, that feeling of being special, that feeling of being important, the feeling of an assurance that there is someone who is and would always be there for you...somene who is a witness to your Life... True, it happens but not for everyone...

Love is such a beautiful world .... it makes the mind go round; intoxicated with all the nectars of love and fantasy.... round and round.. faster and faster ..... till the mind spins and the soul comes crashing down in a tail-spin.

And then you find out that it was never to be.... that you were attempting to fly over the topmost peaks of the Himalayas, touch the stern cold mount of Mount Everest and all that you were carrying was a balloon..... but love is so foolish that it refuses to listen and goes on till all it has for it's efforts are nothings but pains and tears!

Every Prometheus of the world of love has to suffer the punishment of having his heart being clawed out of his breast every day and eaten raw.... and to the worst of it... he also faces the torture of being immortal to suffer this ongoing agony every day!

And so it goes on ..... the pain and the agony.....

"Har bebasi mein, Is zindagi mein,
tujhko hi Chaha, tujko hi Maanga,
Magar jin raaston se guzra yeh Dil tha,
Manzil mili na, chain na paya..."

But now I ask you Life...till when.. till when am I to suffer this agony and pain... till when am I to be a witness of all that is sad in this world...I am tired of this....All of this....!!!!!!!!

Decoding Love I

Somewhere in our consciousness, is a reflection of a dream... .a dream of someone we think as very special to us.... someone that we always wanted to be our partner in life.... someone we do not know but whose foggy images lie entrenched in the depths of our consciousness, often unknown to us.... but the truth is that all of us have somewhere in the deep recesses of our heart a picture of the love that we desire and we expect in our hearts.....

The pursuit of a perfect love is often a difficult task One spends his entire life looking for that elusive reflection, that suauve image, that silent desire and many a times it's remains just that .... a dream. It's not that one desires always a perfect person. To be frank, Nobody wants a lover with a perfect figure, face and features... all one wants is a heart full of love and a soul full of care, faith and integrity, someone who is an exact replica of the image in the heart.
As Shailendra once said:

Chand Si Mehbooba Ho Meri Kab Aisa Maine Socha Tha?
Haan.... Tum Bilkul Waisi Ho... Jaisa Maine Socha Tha!

We may call it the Mr. Right or Miss Perfect Syndrome or by whatever else we feel it to be but the truth remains that all of us spend a great deal of our time trying to find that love.... some search for that elusive non-existent ideal all through the lives ..... every person we meet is often compared to that reflection in our minds ... and then accordingly accepted or rejected....... this continues day after day, month after month, year after year .... the heart breaks and again smiles in hope of a better tomorrow... and again bites the dust....

And then one day defeated by the continuous frustrations and deviations from what we assume to be the perfect comrade for us on the way of life, we lay down our weapons... we sacrifice our love...

And then softly and slowly without turning back, we go on.... mindful of our dreams being left on the middle of the road, orphaned and devastated... the tears fall but we still go on, fearing that one day our own heart would betray us if we stopped and turned back to the world....

It takes guts but Man finally accepts the cards dealt out by the hands of Fate and starts adjusting his own self to his resigned fate.... the memory of that dream that stirred his heart in the early days of his life slowly fades away until one day Man remembers that he has become just another creature in this carnival of life... shorn of all his hopes and aspirations, he becomes just another person. And we console our hearts by saying consistently,

Hum Kyoon Shiqwaa Karen Jhoota!
Kya Hua Jo Dil Toota?
Mitti Ka Khilona Tha; Kuch Na Kucch Hona Tha
Hua!

And then when everything is lost, God suddenly decides that He exists.... that he has to show he 'exists' and so to add salt to the wound.. he decided to play benovelent.. by you have lost everything - your dreams, your desires, your love and reconciled yourself to the vagaries of life - to a life without love, to a life shorn of happiness, to a life wedded to loneliness and then suddenly when you think that "jee lenge" - God decides to present you with that image, that reflection that you have reflected upon so many times in solitude..... an image that's now more inaccessible then before....

And then your heart starts asking you a question..... As usual he is emotional and refuses to listen.. all it wants is to get it's beloved in his embrace while on the other hand the mind, mindful of the practicalities of the situation refuses to let it go...

Josh Kehta Hai Ki Chal,
Hosh Kehta Hai Sambhal,
Kiska Kehna Maan Loon?
Manzil Hai Mere Saamne!

And then begins a battle between the loving heart and the loving but pained mind..... a battle that tears apart the soul, the mind and the heart... a battle that has no end... they are lucky who are successful but even so are those who lose.. because what wins is LOVE!

And another story begins......

Celebrating Life!!!!

Hi life !!!
celebrate you for you are there to be celebrated!!!
you welcomed me, twenty five years ago into this beautiful world.

Twenty Five Years, i.e., quarter of a century. So many things have happened.... yet i am so young!! I thank you for you have taught me so many essential lessons, but at the same time i am a bit cross with the way you have taught me.




Days have come and gone by,events have occurred,things taken place! Each moment has been so enriching that it leaves me more thrilled. But the end of each day,each thrill, forces me to think, to analyze,with a hope to realize ultimately, what is happening and more importantly,why it is happening. Sometimes I understand, but at most I don't. I am left in complete awe!!!





I had a question, answer to which you gave me after eternity!!! And, What an ANSWER??? I now think why at all I got it. Its left me, not thinking, not in Awe, because I lost those faculties......


But today..... i understood your answer!!! I understood not only what you told me but mainly why you told me "in that particular way". It was painful, very painful... but realizations don't come easily.